I will sometimes project my temporary mood onto something else I am exposed to during said mood and allow that something to be tainted for all of eternity.
Guilty. Give me some time. I'm working on it.
But, there was this one day, back in 2001, when I came home from work and got a letter in the mail. And it was a good letter. But...it made me feel nostalgic. And sad. And irritated at life. My irritation painted my evening (and everything it was to hold) a funky shade of gray.
My cousin slash roommate, Emily, and I were heading out to see a movie with some friends.
If I ever write a book of fiction based loosely on that period of my life, I think I would name Emily's character Tess. I don't know why I have even thought about this but I have. And I don't know why I am sharing that tidbit of information but I am. And I don't know how Emily will feel upon reading that.
...Do you feel like a Tess?...
I really need to move on.
(This is exactly why I don't know that I could ever write anything...real...too many side notes, too much word vomit...too many of those repeating periods like this...and too much not knowing what they are called. See? Can't you just see me as a professional writer?)
Ahem.
So, we were headed out to see a movie. The first of The Lord of the Rings movies. Big deal.
(I know that sounded sarcastic but really, it was a BIG DEAL. Lots of hype, etc.)
But that day I was feeling like...wait for it...
big deal.
(That one IS supposed to be sarcastic.)
I sat through that movie glaring nastily at the screen, only showing emotion other than scorn when that elf lady got huge and scary and made me want to run away. Other than that, I remember just feeling like the entire world could really do without The Lord of the Rings if anybody is asking my opinion which they probably are not.
Gray.
You could probably do without this rambling post right about now.
So I'll get to my point.
I watched the other two movies as they came out and had decent experiences, but seriously, I just had this bad taste in my mouth from my mood on the first day that I saw the first movie. I could never get into them because of that. Well, that and the fact that the bad guys in these movies are not just bad, they are GROSS and HORRIBLE and UNSETTLING and NIGHTMARE-INDUCING. Every last one of them.
Recently, I decided that, for whatever reason, I was ready to give these guys another shot. I thought perhaps my heart was ready to make a little room for some hairy-footed hobbits and all those other guys. (Except the bad guys, never the bad guys)
We started, slowly but surely, making our way through the movies. And a very surprising thing happened. In the evenings, I found excuses to watch more. I needed to sit down and fold laundry anyway or my stomach hurt so I should probably just rest. During the day, I found myself thinking about it while not watching it. (This really never happens to me; Usually when the movie is over, I'm over it...unless it gives me nightmares...and unless it's every episode of LOST. Or the episode of Smallville I watched last night. Why does Lex Luthor have to be bad???)
I saw so many characters of depth and was drawn into the story line
BUT
I am not here to really talk about The Lord of the Rings.
I am here to talk about me.
"That's new." (name that movie...same one I quoted last time...)
As I cried my way through all five hundred hours of the trilogy, I found so many parallels to my beliefs. I think that, once you really know and commit to what you believe, you probably start to find parallels everywhere. But, in this story in particular, there was so much to see and ponder on.
I found myself pondering on this journey I am on. I thought about the last year, which I have already written about a bit.
A ways into the story, I interrupted the movie with this bit of dialogue...
Me: If you were to belong to any group of characters in this story, who would you be?
JC: The Riders of Rohan
Me: The...?
JC: The guy with the ponytail on his helmit and his group.
Me: Ah. Yes, you would be them. Loyal and brave.
JC: (silent and watching the movie)
Me: I would be an elf.
JC: Oh yeah?
Me: Living in trees near the water, wearing flowing gowns and talking with nature.
JC: (silent and watching the movie)
Me: (wrestling with the unsettled feeling inside)
JC: (silent and watching the movie)
Me: (can't take my lie anymore) Okay, okay. I would like to be an elf. But there's no getting around the fact that I am all hobbit.
JC: (slightly amused but...silent and watching the movie...)
It's so nice that we can talk to each other.
So...I have found that the secret to understanding myself has been hiding with Tolkien all this time...I am all hobbit. And it's not because of my height or the size of my feet so move right along with that line of thought.
Well, then...what makes me a hobbit? I'm glad you asked.
I feel as if I have been blessed to have spent my life in pursuit of good things. I have spent my life on a path very generously laid out for me. Surrounded mostly by lush green hills and comfy little burrows. (Figuratively speaking. Let's not forget that I actually grew up in the desert...) Friendly people and good food. Oh I do love me some good food. I love green grass and bare feet. I love my home and, if it were up to me, I would probably rarely leave it. Um, okay, it is mostly up to me and I really do hardly ever leave it. I have a few close friends and strong family ties. I never care to wander far from any of those things. I shy away from anything that would complicate any of the above. I like to keep things simple. I would like to think that you could learn most everything there is to know about me pretty quickly. (This is in no way represented by the amount of talking I do...)
Boy could I see myself in those little hobbits, living their lives in their happy little Shire.
In fact, I will have you know that I henceforth shall consider my home here in Gilbert, AZ, The Shire. Forevermore.
What? Who's dramatic?
I promise that I realize this is all fiction and I am certainly no fanatic, but the timing was just such that certain elements of this storyline really stirred something up in me.
As I was watching this story unfold from the same couch from which I so often sit and contemplate life in general...my mind kept returning to my recent ponderings on courage. And how I surprisingly found that it had grown within me in the last year or so. That, although I had come to know myself as very simple, very happy with sticking to the path in front of me, there have always been other parts of me sleeping. As I watched fictional characters arm themselves with courage and charity for all men, I felt a kinship as I have strived to learn to do the same. As I saw these characters fighting a battle that was only theirs because they knew what side they were on and saw no reason to shrink from the weight of their ability to endure, I realized that I could and would do the same. When they were challenged with betrayal and the frailty of their own hearts, they cut their losses and moved ahead with compassion for those who were left behind but the strength to push forward, pursuing the purpose that stood above all others.
These scenes played through my mind in quiet moments (yes, some do exist in our house).
And I felt more hobbit than ever.
I realized that, as I have come to feel how firmly I desire to be found on the side of good, I no longer have any fear about where that path will lead me. I don't fear the challenges life may bring. I don't fear the gross, unsettling, and nightmare-inducing opposing forces we all encounter on this earth. Yet, my lack of fear is nothing of my own.
I have a gift that warns me where danger lurks and when it is near.
I have armor that will protect me if that danger tries to harm.
I have the gift of light where there is darkness.
I have a fellowship of others on the same side, fighting the same fight.
I know this is all very figurative. And maybe figurative is a bit easier to handle. And I have never ever been one to understand how people have ever gone into any sort of real battle with any level of confidence. I never understood how something could mean to much to anyone that they would leave their home and family and run head-on into the armies of the enemy with nothing but a sword to hopefully defend their physical body enough to further their cause.
But now I do.
Not really because of The Lord of the Rings. But because, after coming to recognize my own true feelings about being on the side of good, I watched these movies just crawling with war. And I suddenly found myself understanding.
I would really truly do anything required of me to further the eternal cause of good. No hesitation.
Now...this may have a LOT to do with the fact that I know how it all ends. :) We know evil will never prosper, the wicked will never truly be happy and therefore cannot rob us of our happiness, and if we 'fall' in this battle, it is only but a moment until we are whole again. I get that. But I suppose that's my point...
I finally get that.
What a difference it makes.
I think that the journey I took over the last year or so has been one of abandoning fear. In simple moments, simple choices. In learning to recognize that when we choose to be on the side of good, all that is good and true is then on our side and we WILL come off conqueror.
If I can dorkily go back to Frodo and his clan...Poor, struggling Frodo didn't know the ending. We do.
All those people willing to fight and give their lives so that evil could be weakened even a little and the little hobbits could accomplish what they set out to do...they didn't know the ending. We do.
Every time that my favorite hobbit, Sam, could have abandoned the promises he made...even when it nearly killed him emotionally, physically, mentally...he grit his teeth and KEPT HIS PROMISES. Oh how I love Sam.
Every time Frodo gave into the overpowering draw of the ring, when he regained his senses, he forgave himself and KEPT GOING. Because the purpose of it all was bigger than him. And he had no time to waste in self-loathing. Not when the powers of good were depending on him.
I feel like, if you will forgive me, Frodo and Sam taught me a bit about marriage. The journey here is not meant to be easy. And at one time or another, one or both of you may want to just give up and leave the cause of good to someone else so you can rest for one blasted day. But when those times come, as long as one of you is strong enough to remind the other of the promises you've made...dive into water without knowing how to swim, sacrifice your own needs, carry the entire weight of the other through some of the hardest parts if needs be...you will play the part you are meant to in the eternal progression of the one who chose to share that journey with you.
Loyalty to the eternal progression of another...love cannot be truer than that.
Oh how I cried through the entirety of the last movie.
And don't even get me started on the reunion of everyone toward the end when Frodo wakes up and suddenly everyone is there and all the little hobbits jump and laugh and all the faithful warriors come together and everyone is shining and smiling and dressed in white....
Let's have a nice round of "Amazing Grace" right about now, yes?
Okay, you probably had to be there.
But I'm glad I was.
So, yes, I now love The Lord of the Rings. I now know that, even though I talk to trees and love beautiful foreign languages, I am not an elf. I am a hobbit. Who wants nothing more than to be home in her Shire, but has it firmly in her to march forward for anything that will bring serious smackdown on the progress of evil.
Especially if it means keeping it from The Shire.
"Hobbits are truly fascinating creatures. You can learn all there is to know about their race in a month and yet after a hundred years, they can still surprise you." - Gandalf
I'd like to hope so.
1 comment:
I think it is funny that you liked that last hobbit scene. I found it SO gay!! ha ha I laughed so hard. Funny story about LOTR: I watched the last one. At midnight. 3 rows in front of Andrew and had NO idea. I even talked to people in his row. That is how we figured it out. Very Strange!!
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