2010: The Year of the Hobbit, Part I

I have always felt the need to write a little something to sum up a year as it passes. It may be an unnecessary habit...but when it comes to expressing my thoughts I am rarely one to pay much attention to the necessities of life.
Did you know?
Well, anyway, I was feeling a bit less introspective as 2010 ended than in years past. I believe I was more at peace, maybe more content than in recent times. These feelings keep me from grasping at the straws of my own thought, searching for the magic combination of words that, when put on paper, would suddenly turn my daily life into something that makes ions of sense more than I knew.
Didn't feel the need.
I contemplated not writing a darn thing.
But then, although I was having a shortage (by my standards) of personal analysis, I found myself being mentally bombarded by one thought. One word. One idea of how this last year was different than many years before it.
Something new I had found.
Courage.
I had never really thought much about this concept, particularly in my own life. I don't ever really use this word. I tend to supplement ideas like faith, strength, endurance, hope, dignity, purpose, etc. I had nothing against the word; I just never really saw the need to glorify it when standing in the shadow of these others. When other people used it, it always felt like just that...a glorified personality trait. Which felt lackluster when there are bigger, more purposeful things than simply...the lack of being scared.
But, as I felt drawn to the idea of courage and the idea of it playing a role in my life, particularly in the last year, I came to realize that maybe I had discounted what it meant. Maybe courage is a part of all those things I mentioned. And they are all a part of courage. Which would actually make it an important thing to experience.
Maybe courage does not replace faith. Perhaps it embodies it. And vice versa. If faith is our hope in action, isn't it courage that propels that action forward? If endurance is strength in its continuous and most immortal form, isn't it courage...our choice to have faith and hope...that keeps it locked in place?
I suppose what I am saying is that though I tend to view courage as a lesser virtue, maybe I was viewing it too singularly.
I have been realizing that much of what I have loved about this past year, my experiences, thought processes and progression, have occurred because I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I did things I was terrified of. TERRIFIED of. I specifically remember in September of 2009, taking a look at some things I had chosen to do and feeling courageous. And that was just the warm-up for the year that followed...which, apparently, without my knowing at the time, was my year to step up to the plate and just DO those things that fear was holding me back from.
I won't bore anyone with the details...or embarrass myself by admitting all the small, silly things that used to paralyze me with fear...but as I let myself slowly begin to embrace faith a little more, let go of fear a little bit at a time, I set for myself a new pattern. A pattern of courage. And I didn't even know it.
But I think I managed to find myself as a courageous individual at the end of 2010.
I never would have thought that trait would find its way onto my personality resume. Maybe because I misunderstood the concept. And myself a little too.
If I may, (and I may...this is, after all, my blog..."Lemme check with the owner...Owner says yes."...name that movie) I believe I learned that your courage is as real as the source of your strength. If I haven't mentioned it before, I have a rock-solid, indisputable, never-changing, eternally perfect and all powerful source of strength that can never ever be pulled out from under me. Risking sounding a bit cliche, I truly say that with all the energy of my heart. I wish I had more energy to say it with. Because I would.
Envious? Don't be. You have the same source.
If you don't know it, or don't believe it, just wait until the day when you do and you do. :)
Your heart will surge with the same energy...the same energy that keeps my heart beating and the earth rotating.
The same energy that keeps a flame lit under me, propelling me forward into a new year EXCITED for what it will bring. Because it is a gift. Because I have discovered my courage and locked onto the source of that courage with more vigor than ever before.
That's right, I said it.
You know when 'vigor' comes out, a person is serious.
And, really, in all seriousness, this last year led me down paths I did not know I even needed to take. My life was changed by a renewed love for the gospel of Jesus Christ and gratitude for the knowledge I have of the eternal plan. By the gift of service in His church. By the amazing gift it is to even know that His church and gospel are on the earth again. A light came on in my head one day recently when I was feeling very humbled to have so much truth at my fingertips and I realized that this is no accident, no random gift. And my heart bursts with gratitude to those who came before me who made choices and lived in a way that landed me smack in the middle of all of that truth. The course of mine and my family's life is forever altered by the truth and love I found in the scriptures this year. I know I am only scratching the surface but boy oh boy is it good. I am so grateful that I have a whole lifetime to search them. I have seen prayers answered all day every day. I have cried tears of humility and smiled with gratitude when something so insignificant as a missing sock or as scary as my baby with a high fever or as unnerving as not knowing how we would buy groceries was taken over by my Father in Heaven and set right. Out of love. Over and over again. I felt the power of my Savior when, desiring to be less prideful and more charitable, He showed me how in very small ways. Because He knows that is all I can handle sometimes.
Most of all, I sat at the end of this last year and realized that this was just one year. God willing, I have so many still to live. How much He must love me to give such a gift.
What power comes from that.
It gives one a pretty good reason to have courage.

P.S. I know that I made absolutely no mention of any Tolkien characters in this post. But just wait. It's coming. With vigor.