Phases

I just deleted like, a gazillion paragraphs containing way too many details about potty training.
The other night I started this post when my heart was half in it and I didn't feel very well. So i typed forever without really thinking much about what I was saying. Then, after a while, without even reading over anything I wrote, I just turned the computer off, kissed JC goodnight, and went to bed. (We rarely go to bed separately so this was a bigger deal than it sounds.)
I crashed and slept like a rock.
Now, a few days later, I am ready to attempt it again.
In less detail.

So, the last month has been kind of a funky one. (I know I am over-using the word 'funky' as of late but I just can't think of a more applicable word. Probably could if I really tried but, considering I am feeling funky, I don't care to try.)

I think that what created this funk was the interruption of our day to day dealings in this young-family phase of life with a bunch of mini-phases that didn't flow well. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes you go through a new phase of life without much discomfort, an easy bump in the road or a small detour, then you're back on track and things feel normal. But then sometimes you don't get a smooth ride through change, however small it may be, and it leaves your daily routine and sense of normalcy in hiccups for a while.

I like to think of someone like Joseph, from the Old Testament. His is one of my most favorite stories. He had quite a bit of change once he hit a certain point in his life. He had very little control over anything that came his way. (None of us do I guess but at least we can trick ourselves into thinking so...) I imagine he would still be reeling from one trial...like his mother dying giving birth to his younger brother...like his older brothers betraying him into slavery...being wrongly cast into prison...you know...small stuff like that...and he'd find himself smack dab in the middle of another. It feels like that guy got a whole lot of refinement shoved at him during just a few years.
Anyway, my point is, when I think about stories like this, I know my stuff is little. And mostly just amusing. So I am grateful.

But what's a blog for if not to talk about all of our small stuff?
So, a sampling of some of our phases lately...in no particular order...


Potty Training Phase
The long and short of it is that James finally got on board with the whole concept of the potty. Ripe old age of four. I attempted potty training Ben too because I thought for sure he would be on board too, as he has appeared to be interested and he is usually really easygoing about things. Not so, my friends, not so. James has resisted and resisted but he took to it really well! I was quite impressed. Ben refused to have anything to do with it and it was a traumatic experience for our entire household for about eight days. All you need to know is that part of my potty training approach was to completely take away diapers and be in underwear only as soon as we started 'training.' So, little Ben in underwear (which he would sometimes take off and run from me, bare-bottomed) and refusing to use the potty but obviously still needing to go...yeah, it was a yucky week around here. I thought for sure if I was just consistent and stuck with it that it would work. After all, I was following a program. (Me and my programs...can't ever just do something...) But, on the evening of Day 7, I just about lost it. (Not sure what I mean by 'it' but any of you who are mothers...or have wives...probably know exactly what I mean) And through gentle coaching - - and I do mean gentle; unfortunately sometimes I don't take well to direct advice - - from JC, my mom, a friend...and some rather desperate prayers might I add...I decided to call it an 'A' for effort.
Once things had gotten hard, I began praying quite diligently that both Ben and I would learn whatever it was we were meant to from the situation. I know it's just potty training, but the lessons of our lives are mixed in with our everyday dealings, aren't they? When I find myself struggling, I try my best to remember to treat everything as a learning experience. So, anyway, upon this approach, I started feeling that I needed to learn that everything is a process. Nothing, not even basics of our physical experience here...like using the potty...or the basics of our spiritual lives...like diligent scripture study...sink into our psyche in a way to really stick without work and without respecting the learning process. Even though both of those things are super crucial to our existence here, among other crucial things...none of them just happen. And we can't judge ourselves, or others, for that. Not that I ever judged little Ben. I mostly just wished he could wear diapers again so he would be happy. As did he. So, I guess I also learned that, even if that little voice inside isn't speaking what you thought your ideal was...still listen.
It could save you a few days of wading through you-know-what. :)
So, potty training score - we now sit at 2 out of 3. Not bad. And little Ben will be ready when he is ready.
Even if that doesn't correlate with my program. :)

Somewhere in the middle of potty training, first thing one morning...the kids in the bathroom...
somewhere we spent a lot of time for a few days there!

James decides he wants the camera

Apparently so he can get a shot of what mommy looks like in the middle of the potty training process. It was a very unglamorous few days!
I am awesome.

One of the rewards the kids got for using the potty...foam swords from the Target $1 section.
The kids had fun with them.
Guess how long they lasted? If your guess is anywhere from 1 minute to 8 minutes, you win.
Though I have still been finding foam around the house from them...

This is Ben's permanent pose for all the days that followed!
Gotta go...gotta go...gotta go...

The other way he spent much of those days...when he could get away with it.

How our couches spent those days...water proof mattress covers and sheets over cushions so we could still have rest time and the kids could still nap. And our couches could avoid becoming (more) gross.
Yes, on random miraculous days I have a five year old that will nap.
(It has happened like, twice this year)

Detox Phase

James shows off the goods that resulted from the get-ready-for-detox shopping trip.
Mostly the same stuff we already buy. Just lots more. :)

I believe in a good detox. And, p.s., I love a good program to follow. Oh, and another couple of p.s.'s (not a word...or even an abbreviation) I am a stress-eater if I ever met one and I have about two babies' worth of baby weight to lose. Still. Plus a little of the third bundle of baby weight that has returned. Not my favorite fact. But true nonetheless.
I have detoxed a couple times before, this program or that program and I use this one line that i find phenomenal. I decided to go for the big one and do this amazing 30 day detox. I just knew i would feel fantastic and be a healthier version of me when I was all done. So, I planned to start up. Unfortunately, I forgot to think about the fact that I was going to be doing this during potty training time which, because of the high demand on time, effort, will power and stress endurance of both, was not ideal. But, stubbornly, I forged ahead with both.
So, while I was going through one of my hardest weeks as a mother as of yet, I was also eating nothing but raw food, juicing like crazy, ingesting all sorts of strange herbs, chewing up and swallowing whole cloves of garlic a couple times a day, etc. Very little of this did i actually enjoy but I don't mind doing things that I know are good for me. It makes it a bit easier. I really did learn something about myself though...this stress eating I speak of...it is really something to be reckoned with! I literally felt like I was going through withdrawals! And I had a much harder time with the stress of being a mom when I couldn't just sneak to the other room and have a little bite of that dark chocolate bar sitting high on the shelf. Or unwind at the end of the day with a little snack. This food addiction idea is real. I totally use it as a crutch.
Anyway, I made it a full five days. Then, JC lovingly told me that...I needed to stop this crap.
Haha, not really in those words. And he was very kind about it. But, he expressed his concerns about how it just does not seem to be the right phase of our life to be embarking on such extreme ways of operating...even for a good cause. And he was right. It is hard to chew up and swallow a clove of garlic while being tugged at by tiny hands demanding something or other that is usually impossible to do or give. Oh, and in this specific case, probably getting peed on in the same moment.
Something IS going to snap before long.
So, i called it a good five days and bid farewell to my expectations of a grand 30 makeover of mind, body, and spirit through raw food and gross tasting additions to fresh juice.
This was hard for me.
Not really because I wouldn't get the end results I was hoping for. But because it felt like quitting. And I had just 'quit' potty training attempts with Ben too. I know there are other factors in both these situations and I really had to take the greater good into account...the peacefulness of our home, etc. But...it felt like quitting. And I hate quitting at something important. I'll quit something inconsequential at the drop of a hat. No problem-o. But not something of importance. I can't tell you how many times during the last month JC and I spoke about personal expectations, capabilities, and limitations.
There is just something about mortal limitations, human capability vs. the desires of our hearts, etc. that I cannot wrap my head around.
I really can't. No matter how I try. So much so that I won't even try to write about my thoughts on this at this point. I can't even finish a sentence about this topic, it is that jumbled in my head. I run in circles mentally. Has anyone else ever struggled with this? Am I even clear enough for you to know what I'm talking about??? Haha
I feel that I am being granted more understanding though. Line upon line. As it should be. So they say.
(But WHY???? haha)
Anyway, so, after a stellar attempt and success of a few hard-core days, i put the detox plan on the shelf for a few years. When I have a lesser number of full time jobs. :)

Screw It Phase
This phase both preceded and followed my detox phase. I had lack of caring because either a) I had a big change coming up and knew it would correct my bad behavior OR b) I had just attempted a big change and it was too much for this time of my life and therefore made me feel like I didn't have the ability to make even small efforts.
From the fall of '08 to the fall of '09 I probably worked out 5 out of 7 days of every single week. Good, solid, real workouts. I also ate really well. Not perfectly by any means. But really well. And I saw some success as far as that darned baby weight goes and I felt spectacular most of the time, which was my biggest indicator of the success I was really having. But then there came some times of different schedules, different things going on, different stress that led to stress eating and a struggle to find a new good workout time, etc....JC's hernia and surgery, the holidays, financial strain, sick kids, no job, new job (thank you), stuff like that. The roll I had been on began to turn to a roll around my middle...haha I'm so funny and I'm sure you all appreciate that mental image.
Anyway, the point is, for a while now I have struggled to get back on a good track. I figure the key is to be consistent but I just can't always figure out where it is that life leaves room for consistency in much! At least not with a young family. But I have known that, really, if I wanted to make the good things happen and the bad things not happen, health wise, I would find a way. Apparently, I haven't wanted it too awfully bad for a while now. :) After my detox didn't go as planned, I kind of let it go to the next level. I was not working out even a little and I started drinking soda for heavens sake. Soda. Do you know how many years it has been since I let myself drink soda on a regular basis??? Anyway, this is what led me to name this phase the Screw It Phase because that is exactly how I felt every time I put something horrible in my mouth or chose to not set my alarm to get up for a workout in the morning.
I am hoping to find a happy medium between raw foods and this phase before too long. :)
Really, Bethany's preschool ends soon and summer rolls in which means a whole change of schedule. And I have a plan and I intend to get my game on again.
BUT I will not pressure myself like I have in the past with programs, specific schedules, competitions, etc. I have felt it very strongly impressed on my mind and heart that I need to let go of things like that. I need to learn to just do things that are good for me and let go of things that are not. And not worry so much about structure, specifics and providing myself with something to measure myself against. I think those things have their place (especially in my life because...I love a good program! haha) but apparently at this time in my life they work against me. I felt that very strongly in a moment when I was specifically asking for an answer concerning how to best manage the different areas of my life at this point. I know i received that very specific answer. So...I move forward, ready to make an effort in all areas, but without a very specific (new word of the day, it looks like) plan.
Yikes am i bad at life without a plan.
BUT, that is why we are here. To do the things we are bad at so that we will, someday, more closely resemble our Father in Heaven who is not bad at anything. :)

Sleeping Arrangement Oddities Phase
During the month of April, we had our share of nighttime out-of-bed experiences.
James used to have a lot of bad nightmares, but has kind of gotten over them for the most part. But I have noticed that when his diet is particularly bad, especially involving really processed foods (or food that was never food to begin with) involving dye (fruit snacks, popsicles), they come back. His body just gets so unsettled and it turns into nightmares. The latest rendition of these is something having to do with bugs. He dreams of bugs in his bed. It got so bad a few weeks ago that he wouldn't sleep at night. And if he did fall asleep, he would wake up screaming and do everything possible to avoid falling back asleep. Best I could tell, he understood that he was having dreams and he understood that the bugs weren't real...but he got so scared when he dreamt about them that he didn't want to fall asleep so that he could avoid the dreams. We tried various approaches and, for a while, all that worked was putting one of the huge love sacs downstairs and letting him sleep on it right outside our master bedroom. This worked wonders but was not exactly ideal. This was also during potty training/detox phases so things were just a bit elevated anyway and him not wanting to sleep and sleeping in strange places was hard for all involved. Mostly for him, poor little guy, i just felt awful that he was so scared he couldn't even sleep in his own bed. He told me that the bugs don't get Ben so Ben is safe. And that, when Mommy and Daddy come in the room the bugs know where to hide so that we don't see them. Poor little boy. :(
As part of this phase, I spent one night sleeping in his room on a camping cot. I think I already wrote about that...anyway, I didn't want to do that every night so we kept trying other things. Call us crazy, but we really value the sanctity of sleeping in the same bed, without anyone else, as husband and wife. Really. We don't share our bed with our kids and we rarely will sleep in their rooms. It's just something that is important to us. I know everyone has different takes on this topic and to each their own, really. But that is how it is for us. So, I wasn't ready to become a permanent fixture in the boys' room!
So, it had turned into James in the love sac outside of our bedroom.
Until the Spiderman sheets. Daddy won the battle forevermore with spiderman sheets. Not a single problem since. :)

(Daddy couldn't bring those home without these...)

(and these...)

Spoiled kids. But, seriously, bedtime since then? 90% easier.

Another smaller part of this phase was when Ben decided, for one night, that he would not sleep in is bed. Just would not. Never before and never since has he done this! He said he wanted to sleep in the small boy-sized arm chair that is in their room. So he did. Like a rock. End of story.

(looks like daylight because of the flash)
Just for kicks....a picture we took of James that same night. This is how he insists on sleeping every night. At the foot of his bed and practically falling off. He has to be almost falling off to be comfortable apparently. With his spiderman sheets. And his awesome gecko bedspread Grandma Trudie made for his birthday.
All elements in place equals a good night's sleep.

Oh, and Bethany had nightmares one night after we decided she was old enough to watch Jumanji so she slept in the love sac outside our bedroom.
So, we had an interesting month of nights around here.
To add to the mix, though I stayed in my own bed, I just so happened to have a lot of nightmares this last month too. But mine are induced by what I watch and I always know when I'm going to have them. JC and I watched a couple of movies that came on tv that I knew were going to do me in for a few nights each but I watched them anyway. Silly ol' me. Edward Norton and Leonardo DiCaprio may be fantastic and may make it very hard to want to miss out on anything they do but that doesn't mean that 'Fight Club' (3 nights of nightmares) and 'Gangs of New York' (just 1) are for everybody.
(But...have you seen them...?)
Haha, just kidding, don't.
(...unless you haven't...)
Stop it.
Really though, I am ready to enter back into my phase where I just flat out don't watch anything that I know will give me nightmares. After 'Lost' ends. I can't not watch 'Lost.'
(Oh my gosh, THIS WEEK!!!)
So, anyway, that is enough from me about that phase.

Seasonal Transition Phase
Okay, this one may seem kind of silly but seriously...when the mood and process of your entire day depends on when and how long you can play outside...months like May really screw you up. We are transitioning between the gorgeous spring weather to the paralyzing summer weather, with not much room to predict which we will end up with from one day to another. (Until you cave and get a Weather Channel app on your phone...) So, our daily schedule has been corrupted and it leaves us rather grumpy.
When it comes down to it, we are all like little children in the way that we really need predictability and boundaries, aren't we?
Or...is it just me...?

Immensely Blessed Phase
Okay, so, this phase is all the time. But it deserves mention. Probably every day.
I just have to say that I am so darn happy to be living life. It is hard and I am tired most of the time. And when I'm not it's probably because I ate something full of sugar that has given me a temporary high which will eventually make me feel horrible. Because I make decisions that are not the best sometimes. But I am still here. I am still making decisions...bad or good, I'm making them. And the thing is...I know the difference. I tend to beat myself up about that a lot. If you know the right, how can you ever ever justify choosing the wrong? Any any case, in any scenario, for any reason?
You know what?
I don't know.
BUT, oh my gosh, let's think about this...I know the difference.
So, whether or not I live up to that all of the time...whether I'm even meant to...
I have been blessed with knowledge. Knowledge so vast I probably won't ever completely get my head around it. But, seriously...out of all the people on this earth who ever lived, I am blessed with THE knowledge most precious above anything anyone could ever ask for.
I literally stand in amazement of this.
I have been realizing it like never before.
The humbling blessing it is to know who I am. To know why I am here, to know the purpose of life here...at least the small amount we are able to grasp...to have that knowledge, to have so many who have come before and worked and sacrificed and written it all down so that I can have their experiences. To have the amazing chance to live on this earth after our Savior, to have not only His word spoken to His prophets but to have record of His life here on this earth. And not only that but to live on this earth after His gospel has been so brilliantly restored so that we can enjoy all the blessings and joy the earth was deprived of for so long. To have all of this handed to me so early in my life.
To have parents who cared enough to teach me.
To have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to challenge me, try me, and sometimes confuse the heck out of me so that I can have that moment when I finally understand. So He can remind me that He is so aware of even my smallest thoughts.
To have a husband that is my best friend. And a marriage that is such a blessing.
To have children that are so very precious, I can't believe I was entrusted with them. Forever.
I have been feeling very aware as of late. Very aware of how truly blessed I am.
I have been set on a road destined for greatness with every privilege a soul could ask for.
And how very very grateful and humbled I am and will remain.

Of all the phases we all go through in life, big or small, trivial or critical, this is the phase we all experience every day if we are willing to see it...that of being generously blessed. Sometimes I haven't seen it as clearly but for some reason Heavenly Father has opened my eyes lately to it and I am so so grateful.
After all, this earth was made very specifically for this phase in the eternal progress of every one of us. That's all it is. Part of our progression. An important part. And what a blessing to be granted the opportunity to be here.

But, anyway, that's enough from me.
I am ready for the bedtime phase of my day. :)

Here's to making the good phases last and gritting our teeth and learning through the hard ones!


P.S. I don't know what's happening but it appears I have lost control of the size of my font. No, seriously, I can't figure out how to fix it. It literally will not allow me to change it... So...um...forgive me if at any point it appears I am shouting...