An official swat on my spiritual behind . . .

It's Sunday evening and I am thinking about what I should write. This week was such a normal/tumultuous one...

I have yet to decode the true meaning of all that has been on my mind; As of yet, I just have pieces. But, so many things fell into place for me. Mostly internally.

You see, I live in a world that many do..that of a "homemaker." I don't know why I put that word in quotes...I truly believe it to be the title I love and try to live up to, I don't see it as even almost derrogatory. In fact, I feel it is an honor, as there could never be a more important job. I don't just say that to make myelf feel important; I know it's true. If anything, at times, I am weighted down by such a lofty calling. I've heard terms such as "Domestic Engineer" "CEO of the Home," etc. These titles make me laugh and give a hearty "Amen!" but I still like "homemaker." (I do not like "housewife" as I have a very clear memory of my mom repeatedly saying "I'm not a wife to my house, I'm a wife to my husband." I guess it's her I got my favoritism for the term "homemaker" from!)

Anyway, I live in this world that so many women do and I experience it much the same as many women do. More so than I realized, I think.

I found myself in a slum this week...feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have never found myself wishing I did something else or lived a different life but at one point this week I just suddenly stopped and thought that if I didn't want to get to that point, I needed to change my attitude, my spirit or my general mindset for the better. I was feeling very discouraged and I just didn't know why. Why should I be feeling sorry for myself, even amongst all the not-so-lovely parts of mothering and housekeeping? I LOVE my children and my husband, and there is nothing I want more than to take care of them fully and beautifully. I want to create an atmosphere of love and beauty in this home that I love. I want a house of order, a house of cleanliness; I want a frilly apron and something wonderful cooking and filling the house with intoxicating aromas when JC gets home from work. I want my kids to be thriving and nurtured. Nothing is more important than my family...therefore, I want to love them the most I can, feed them the best I can, teach them all I can and provide anything and everything that they could possibly need to move through this life in joy and truth. This, and much more, is what I am working my TAIL off for day in and day out. So, why would I feel restless and discouraged?

The answer came to me in a few different ways. Heavenly Father has been very generous in making sure I get the message He intends for me at this time!

First, through my mom...of course! She always has wisdom even when I don't want to hear it! (Thank you.) Then, through JC...always a voice of simplicity and reason shining into my chaotic mind. (Thank you.) Through a friend that called me randomly one evening, (Thanks, Katie!) a sister who sent a link in an email (Thanks sister Katie!), a sister-in-law who sent an email expressing the exact emotions I had been struggling with. (Thank you Alice.) Through the blog of an amazing woman who led me to re-read a conference talk I had forgotten (Mothers Who Know, Julie Beck). (Thank you to Stephanie Nielson, how I wish I could tell her!) Through a quote a cousin shared. (Thanks Zonnie.) And, lastly, through one of His servants, at Relief Society General Conference last night. What an amazing talk by President Uchtdorf. During the first few minutes of his talk, I glared at the screen, trying to determine how it was that he could see me, see my thoughts, know of my feelings and speak right to me!

So, trying to keep this short and simple (I'm trying to learn to reign in my tendency to talk everything to death!), I will just say that I learned some important lessons this week.

I wondered why it was I felt discouraged and unfulfilled doing all the things I want most to be doing. It was because I was trying to overdo them. I feel like I've been through this cycle before, but this time it hit me with a lot of weight...we strive for too much perfection. I strive for too much perfection. Progression is one thing...perfection is another. We women have GOT to stop beating ourselves up. There is so much I could say in hopes of helping another woman NOT feel the way I sometimes find myself feeling...we all think we're not enough. And, in reality, there are a lot of cold, hard facts staring us in the face telling us we're not enough. But, we ARE. And I finally realized why...(get ready for a classic answer)...it's not because of us that we're enough...

The atonement makes us enough. The atonement makes me enough. Heavenly Father knows my heart. He knows how badly I desire to take care of my family in the very best way possible. He knows that I also have weaknesses and I fall short. But He's known this for a long time and He made sure we didn't HAVE to stress about this! Again, a desire to progress, to do our best, this is part of our divine nature and it is meant to be a strength. But, I have let it turn into a weakness of mine...a search for my own perfectionism. And guess what? I know it's a shocker, but it doesn't exist. Or, it does, but it's not mine...it's shared with the One who does make us perfect. Every second of every day, as I strive to do my very best, to give all I have, to try to ignore the doubts I have about my own strength, my own abilities, He is there, filling in the spaces left empty by me. I don't have to stress about my strength or my abilities. Because I have His on my side. And His are infinite. I don't know why it took me this long to realize why I can do this. I've always figured I could do it. :) But, once I thought about it...my children, all of our children, are some of the most precious, precious, spirits our Heavenly Father has. And he has given them to ME??? I would be a little wary if I were Him. Again, I sure WANT to do a fantastic job, but by all means...if I were Him I would be sure to have some back-up! That back-up is the atonement that He provided for us. We don't have to perfect. We just have to love our kids, our husbands, our homes...if we are doing that, and asking for His help, we just can't fail.

So, let's all take a deep breath, and stop beating ourselves up. After you take said deep breath, if you haven't read Sister Beck's talk, please do.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2a4826cb31cf5110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1

I dont' know when President Uchtdorf's talk will be available to read online but it is so rich with wisdom and inspiration, I can't wait to experience it again.

I am so grateful for Women's Conference. I am so grateful for the atonement that makes me enough. I am so grateful for a generous Heavenly Father who, though He has taught me quite clearly before, is always willing to teach me again. I pray I can parent in His image.

I am so excited to have a new realization that I can use the atonement in my daily life in a way I never before realized. It fills up every moment of every day, as my efforts are blessed. I can sleep better at night (literally), knowing that my family never has to suffer because of my short-comings. Because they deserve all the joy and love in the world.

What a wonderful plan we have working in our favor. Sometimes I just can't help but smile when I think about it . . . hmm . . . plan of happiness. . . .I'd say so!

http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/heavenly-father-s-plan-of-salvation/god-has-a-plan-for-your-life

I'll end my ramblings tonight with the quote that I got from dear Zonnie . . .

"A good something is better than a perfect nothing."

How wise!

Let's all stop striving for that perfect nothing...it doesn't exist by us trying to create it. Only in Christ.

Let's all keep doing the good we are doing and rejoice in it. I know I'm going to try.

P.S. Does anyone know how to make the links not quite so...link-like? Can I post a link and give it a title so it could just read "Julie Beck's talk" instead of spelling it all out like that? Hmmm...still trying to figure all of this out!

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY, BEN!!!

The day finally came...almost a month ago...I'm a little behind! (as usual)

On August 28th, Benny-boy turned one! Woohoo! Unfortunately, I was sick that day and having a hard time mustering up any big celebration of sorts. We even had to cancel his birthday party because I just couldn't seem to kick that darn cold I had. :( So SAD! However, we did spend the day being very excited about it all, knowing that it had been a whole YEAR since Ben came to be a part of our family here on earth. Surely, it has the happiest year we've had so far as a family...Bethany and James getting older and being so expressive and (generally) happy, Ben coming to us and being healthy and strong and Mom and Dad just taking it all in, trying to enjoy it before it's suddenly gone and they're all in college! (We're told that sneaks right up on you!)

But, for now, let's focus on our little Ben's happy first birthday. :)

I was so sad because I hadn't gotten any pictures, just video...and then JC gets all fancy-shmancy on me and figures out how to use some computer program to take snapshots within video footage...aren't I lucky to have him around? So, here's some of what we enjoyed on Ben's special day...(aka, a lot of cake-eating)

After dinner (which was chinese take-out that JC picked up on his way home since I was no use as a chef), Ben gets his very own first birthday cake!

Hesitancy at the texture of the frosting...

But, as most of us do, ended up just giving in and DIGGING in!

When he had his fill, he began focusing on the next task at hand...getting as much onto the floor as possible!

THEN, the sugar rush must have quickly set in because he broke into some sort of celebratory dance...(I think he may have been celebrating emptying his plate/tray. Though, I feel that I should note that most of it IS on the floor...)

JC celebrates the day by making Ben laugh especially hard (the video of this is adorable).

Bethany and James follow suit and begin to be very silly, attempting to make him laugh as hard as Daddy does!

After everyone was all cleaned up, it was time for presents. Doesn't James look like he's going to try to sell Ben his present?

Bethany "helps" Ben unwrap his present...

A toy phone! Lots and lots of buttons to push...

Big brother and sister help him learn how to use it...(then proceed to fight over it for the next few days, not giving him much time with it at ALL. Eventually, there had to be a rule made about this particular toy!)

A smile between brothers...

...and a one-armed man-hug! Oh, I love this picture!

The day ended with two of Baby Ben's favorite things...Mommy and a bottle. (look how excited he is!!!) He has since given up one of these things...

Even though things didn't go quite as planned (sorry, Ben!), it was a great day and definitely one worth celebrating. It has been strangely emotional to watch Ben grow from a newborn to a toddler...he has remained the baby of our family longer than Bethany or James did...there was always another one of the way for a while there! But, Baby Ben is still Baby Ben! We love watching him grow and enjoying all he brings to our family.

He is such a happy kid...such a joy to everybody. He's just tough enough to handle being the littlest guy around (for now) and sensitive enough to know which family member needs an extra cuddle and smile on any given day. It is so fun to see his personality come out and it has been very sweet to notice the pieces of JC and I that are in him.

Today, as I rocked him to sleep, I realized how heavy he felt in my arms and thought about how much of a little man he is becoming. I thought about the past year and all we have experienced. I thought about what a blessing it has been to have this little guy around with his easy-going ways and ready smile. I thought how nice it is, as I often think when I'm rocking one of my kids, to be wanted by them. I know they will always love their parents (and probably sometimes hate us too!), but life will be life. Someday, I will probably have to seek out their company as their own lives take shape and sweep them away. But, for now, there isn't a single night that I couldn't convince them, quite easily, to let me just hold them while they fall asleep.

So, today, as I rocked him, I snuggled the back of his neck looking for all that extra wrinkly skin that babies always have at the nape of their neck. Instead, I found a little boy neck with locks of hair starting to creep down and curl out. I felt a little sad, but I figure most moms do. :) When I stood up, though, and caught a glimpse of us in the mirror that is his closet door, I noticed how tiny he still looked...all curled up and snuggled into me. And when I layed him down in his crib, he still made that funny pursed-lips face babies make when they are falling asleep. I guess I have a little bit longer to enjoy Baby Ben. And I have a feeling that, even after all the baby skin goes away and the haircuts start and the crib gets left behind, etc. . . .I won't be too sad. Because Ben may not always be a baby, but he WILL always be mine.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENNY BOY!

I am . . . Ben

In honor of his recent birthday, Ben is the next member of our family to be spotlighted!

I am . . . the baby

I think . . . I am not the baby

I know . . . how to get under my big brother's skin

I want . . . my food to resemble grown up food. If everyone else has a sandwich, I will not settle for a sandwich cut into bite-sized pieces. I will take large triangles just like everyone else, thank you.

I have . . . the cutest smile

I wish . . . I could walk down stairs

I hate . . . being woken up in the middle of the night by a crying sibling. It scares me.

I miss . . . my bottle.

I fear . . . the penguin toy my parents got me for my birthday.

I feel . . . the need to play in the toilet.

I love . . . my family. And toys with buttons.

I hear . . . ocean noises while I sleep.

I smell . . . sometimes.

I search . . . under the couch for lost toys.

I wonder . . . why I can't just be naked all the time.

I regret . . . sitting on the cat.

I care . . . about my siblings being happy. I always stare sadly at them when they cry.

I always . . . come to my mommy when she calls me. Anytime, anywhere.

I am not . . . a grumpy baby. I have a very happy disposition.

I believe . . . that I can do anything my brother and sister can.

I dance . . . by bouncing up and down slightly whenever I hear music that I like...OR when my mom claps her hands and sings nonsensical tunes.

I sing . . . by screeching.

I don't always . . . like when Mom tries to wash dishes during Sesame Street. I think she should stay with us.

I write . . . not at all. I have a few steps to go before that. I eat crayons.

I win . . . over everyone I meet.

I lose . . . wrestling matches with James.

I never . . . fail to give my biggest smiles to Daddy when he comes home from work.

I listen . . . to Daddy play his drum and get very excited.

I can usually be found . . . toddling about the playroom.

I read . . . or at least pretend to . . . every book on the book shelf at least once a day. Pull them all down, flip through them one by one, toss them aside. If Mommy puts them back on the shelf, I start it all over again.

I am happy about . . . having so many people who love me! My parents think I'm brilliant and wonderful, my siblings love to make me laugh and cheer me up when I'm sad, my grandparents are so proud of me, aunts, uncles and cousins love to be near me and even strangers tell me how gorgeous I am! Oh, and the cat doesn't run from me anymore. This is the life!

I am . . . Mandy

A fun tag...I think that I am going to take this one and run with it. The next few times I post, I'm going to fill this in for one member of our family. Just a fun spotlight kind of thing! Since I'm the voice of the blog, I shall start with ME!

I am . . . deeply blessed.

I think . . . everything to death!

I know . . . I have a purpose.

I want . . . my family to be happy.

I have . . . wonderful parents, fantastic siblings, a sweet and patient husband, beautiful and spirit-filled children, and a sort-of-nice cat.

I wish . . . I could be on top of everything all the time and doing all the things for my family I want to be doing NOW (instead of in five years when I will have more time for things like gardening, cooking from scratch, sewing, scrapbooking, etc.)

I hate . . . dishonesty.

I miss . . . being spontaneous.

I fear . . . not giving my children and husband what they need.

I feel . . . empowered by knowledge.

I love . . . when my husband makes me burst out laughing suddenly.

I hear . . . Vanilla Ice. I don't know how that happened . . .

I smell . . . an office-y smell. Pencils, tape, wood, leather...

I search . . . for the perfect red shoe.

I wonder . . . if my past trials were meant to prepare me for something yet to come or if they stand alone as their own learning experiences.

I regret . . . hurting others.

I care . . . about taking care of what Heavenly Father has given us.

I always . . . laugh when I see pictures of deer jumping.

I am not . . . perfect.

I believe . . . truth is simple.

I dance . . . and feel like time and all my worries and stressors stand still.

I sing . . . along with the 'Wicked' soundtrack when I'm alone in my car (rare) and usually get choked up and dream of the day when local theater takes it on and I can be Elphaba. (hoping they wait until my kids are older so JC will not...hate me...)

I don't always . . . know the right answers. But I do know how to find them.

I write . . . and feel like the truest form of myself.

I win . . . whenever I play a new game. Beginner's luck runs through me!

I lose . . . and I'm secretly happy. I don't like the attention that comes from winning a game. In fact, I usually avoid games in general for fear of said attention plus fear of competitive people.

I never . . . allow anyone to treat me as an inferior.

I listen . . . to my kids laugh so hard they can hardly breathe and it makes me so very very happy.

I can usually be found . . . with at least one little one on my hip, in my arms, hanging on my leg, climbing up my back, tugging on my hand, stepping on my feet and/or giving me kisses and hugs.

I read . . . a lot more board books than anyone I know.

I am happy about . . . the life that stretches before us. Even on the days when I feel like all I can do is work, work, work, keep my head down, grit my teeth and hope I don't mess anyone up in the meantime, I still get butterflies in my stomach thinking about our future. So much good is yet to come! And so much good happens every day now that I'm trying not to miss. With a love like ours and three amazing and wonderful children who have the brightest futures to look to, I have SO MUCH to be SO HAPPY about.

I tag . . . everyone that reads this and thinks it would be fun to do. It is!

Bethany's First Day of Preschool!

I knew this day would come.
I even looked forward to it, knowing all the opportunities it would bestow upon Bethany's never-satisfied mind.
But I still couldn't believe it when I woke up one morning and started getting everyone ready to take her to her first day of preschool!
Maybe preschool isn't such a big deal as I am making it...in fact, plenty of kids go to "preschool" from the time they are old enough to be away from their moms for an extended period of time. But, since Bethany was a baby, I knew that when the day came for her to start school of any sort, it would be a serious thing. Because that little brain of hers hasn't taken a moment off since she was born. So, I've tried my hardest to keep it busy, to keep her happy, entertained, nurtured and stimulated for the past three years. But, especially with two others in tow, I had to just pray that I wasn't doing her any sort of injustice and that she would still thrive on what I was teaching her and what she was, naturally, learning from the world around her.
I had been thinking about and searching for a preschool for her for about a year before she started. I had some very specific ideas in mind about what would be a great fit for her. I liked the idea of something in a home since that would provide a nurturing atmosphere, a comfortable environment and a teacher that was more concerned about being loving than being professional. But, since it IS Bethany, I knew she also needed to be challenged and presented with new material to think and learn about. She needed to be introduced into the social aspect of school without it being an anxious experience for her. She needed teachers who she could look up to and feel comfortable with, who would build her confidence in the same way I strive to. She needed a place where there were just enough boundaries but limitless room for her imagination to run and her intellect to stretch and get all its wiggles out.
Then, I was blessed to get a recommendation from my sweet friend, Lindsay, for Evergreen Cottage Preschool. (Does it not just SOUND like a delicious place?) After speaking with her, I did some research and found that their philosophy and approach to aiding these little minds in their first academic endeavors matched up with mine in a phenomenal way. I contacted the school, keeping my fingers crossed they had room for her this year. And they did!
On September 2nd, we had a very excited little girl on our hands....

Beautiful Bethany, all ready for her first day!

James hugs her goodbye at the door (though he was coming with me to drop her off, of course.)

We drove up to the cutest little house in a historical district in Mesa. A residential neighborhood, but this house is used strictly for the preschool.

A little "Welcome" sign in a patch of sunflowers

Bethany, begging me to stop taking pictures so we can hurry and get inside!
She felt right at home, right away. She ran around the room, looking at all the things it had to offer. It was glorious...colors everywhere, toys strategically placed, bins full of interesting objects and sweet, friendly teachers who seemed about as excited as we were! Here she is, playing with a little school bus as the boys and I left her to her first day...

She has been going two days a week for two weeks now and she is loving it more every time. There has not been a hint of separation anxiety or hesitancy. She is excited to be learning, meeting friends and having new experiences. I am so happy with the experience she is having! And we are so proud of her.

(Now if I could only get James to give up throwing fits every time we drop her off and pick her up because he wants to go too! Just another year, James, just one more year!)

Summertime Fun...

Enjoy browsing the following new posts...sorry so much at once...but the time finally just came to me and here I find myself documenting some fun times from over the summer! Also, check out our updated slideshow at the right. Just some more captured smiles from the last few months!

I'm only happy when it rains...

We have been having crazy storms in the last few weeks! Unfortunately, they all were happening in the late evening and in the middle of the night...leaving no fun for the kids and I.
Usually, the minute I see dark clouds in the sky, I become glued to the window, waiting for the first drop (or at least a drop in the temperature!) so we can play outside! But, we were just missing all of the action due to early (necessary) bedtimes and a desire to sleep through the night (a glorious new luxury in our house, after three years).
BUT, about three weeks ago, on a Monday afternoon, it finally happened. And although James was napping (important) and I was collapsed on the couch moving between shivering and sweating, coughing and dozing while Ben and Bethany indulged in nearly-unsupervised-play on the floor near me, I lept up! Ran downstairs, got James, met Bethany and Ben at the top of the stairs, opened the gate (we have many) and ran down to throw open the front door (you have to move fast...don't always know how long these storms will last). YES! No lightning.
So, here we are, enjoying our spontaneous outdoor play.

Not as enthusiastic as Mom...

Not at all...

After about twenty seconds...yeah, that's what I thought.
Sidewalk chalk looks awesome in the rain.
Laying in the grass feels even better than sidewalk chalk looks.
But pretty soon, running around with siblings sounds even better than that and they take off, playing some sort of game about a lion chasing them.
Bethany teaches Ben how to enjoy the feel of wet concrete under his bare feet.

"The Lion is coming!!!"

James conquers a boulder. "The lion is coming!"

Scout sneaks outside (which is okay during rain) and off the front porch (which is never okay).

James tries to scare him back into the house. I laughed so hard at him doing this and made him do it over and over again.

Bethany and James balance precariously on the brick wall separating our driveway from our neighbor's yard. Such brave souls. Maybe it was the only way to escape the lion.

We return to playing on the porch at some point, only to receive a surprise visit from Grandma Trudie!! She came to check up on Mommy in her wretchedly ill state and probably make sure her grandkids weren't getting too neglected. :) The kids run out to greet her.


Ben is...not as fast. But equally excited and giving a solid effort to cross the vast driveway. (I like the wet marks from his pant legs!)
He finally makes it and welcomes her properly.

"The lion is coming!!!"

Our lovely front yard, drinking in all the new moisture it has been blessed with. Might I add that JC had just cut the grass a couple days before and he did a fabulous job. Don't you think?

We cannot WAIT for the next "day rain".

Bad Cat.

At our house, we have "time-out spots" scattered throughout. These are actually just little placemats I found at Target that are just the right size for a naughty toddler bottom to sit on. I came upon this one evening after putting the kids to bed.
This is the first time one of the "children" has voluntarily put themselves in time-out. I guess he just felt he hadn't behaved quite well enough.

What WEEKENDS are for...

Making cookies and cleaning up after yourself (while working on potty training...hence the nothing-but-pull-ups outfit)

Then making sure your brother gets to help with the clean up

Batting practice (wii style)

Climbing on things that are not meant for climbing...not at all...



Scattering stuffed bunnies, stockings and trick-or-treat buckets throughout the kitchen as you play in the plastic bins full of seasonal decorations and such that Mom has been trying to get put up in the attic for the past several months.
Making a mess in your play kitchen because if Mommy's kitchen gets to be a mess, so does yours.

Fighting with your sister for being on your side of the plastic bin and/or giving your brother a look that clearly states "this bores me."

Playing peek-a-boo with the rag that is meant to wash your face after breakfast.

Stealing the camera when Mom's not looking and taking a picture of her sitting on the couch, planning the meals and groceries for the week.

Eating spaghetti for the first time and getting really...
really...
messy!
Falling asleep in front of the TV on Family Movie Night.

Trying new hair-do's

and showing them off by dancing around the room.

Eating dessert...
...with complete abandon.